TALLAHASSEE – As the clock wound down on a devastating defeat at the hands of the University of Miami, the reeling FSU Football Program announced it is entering the transfer portal – not just the players, but the entire program.
FSU’s Season: A Dumpster Fire in a Hurricane
The 2024 season for the Seminoles has been nothing short of catastrophic. Coming off a string of humiliating losses, missed field goals, botched plays, and incomprehensible play calling, the team has sunk to depths not even the most pessimistic fans could have imagined. Gone are the days of national championships, dominating the ACC, and missing out on the playoffs with an unbeaten record. Now, FSU’s highlight reel looks more like a blooper reel, with fans wondering if the team accidentally replaced its playbook with a children’s coloring book designed by Rob Gronkowski.
“We knew the season was bad, but when our star quarterback threw an interception during the coin toss, that’s when we hit rock bottom,” admitted FSU head coach Mike Norvell, barely holding back tears during a press conference. “We just can’t take it anymore. The players, the coaches, the cheerleaders—we’re all tired of losing. So, we decided it’s time to find a new home. Somewhere we can start fresh. Somewhere… that has no expectations.”
Florida Gulf Coast University or Jacksonville University
After weeks of highly-secretive, closed-door meetings, emotional breakdowns, the team narrowed its relocation choices down to two: Florida Gulf Coast University (FGCU) and Jacksonville University (JU).
FGCU, known primarily for its basketball success (one Sweet 16 run in 2013), has never had a football team. Likewise, JU, which disbanded its football program in 2019, has been blissfully football-free ever since.
“We looked at schools with no football programs because, well, who else would take us?” said FSU Athletic Director Michael Alford. “Also, we can’t disappoint fans if there aren’t any to begin with. We even came up with a new name, logo and jerseys. It’s an exciting time!”
The Decision: Who Will Take FSU?
According to insiders, FGCU and JU are currently locked in a heated bidding war—over who doesn’t have to take FSU. Both universities have expressed deep reservations about letting a historically under-performing football team onto their campuses, with representatives from both schools making it abundantly clear that they’re not exactly desperate for a new sports mega-disaster.
“We’re flattered that FSU would think of us,” said Colin Hargis, athletic director at FGCU, trying to keep a straight face during a hastily arranged press conference. “But we’ve got a good thing going here—no football, no problem. Do we really need 100 guys showing up with helmets and shattered egos, asking where the football field is? Spoiler: we don’t have one.”
Meanwhile, Tim Cost, president of Jacksonville University, expressed a similar sentiment. “We just got rid of our football program in 2019. Things have been peaceful around here. The campus is quiet, students are happy. Now, FSU wants to bring its… let’s call it ‘football chaos’ to JU? Let’s just say we’re reviewing our options, which include politely declining.”
However, sources close to the negotiations claim that FSU is offering generous incentives to whichever school agrees to take them in. These incentives reportedly include free football stadium construction, unlimited supply of FSU-branded crying towels to disaffected fans, and several cases of wine for the faculty lounge, presumably to help deal with the stress of adopting an entire football program in the middle of an academic year.
Player Reactions: “Anywhere But Here”
For the players, the idea of transferring to a school with no football team is, bizarrely, the most exciting thing to happen all season.
“I’m just tired, man,” said Brock Glenn, FSU’s beleaguered backup quarterback, who has been sacked more times than a field of Idaho potatoes. “I don’t care where we go—JU, FGCU, a high school gym—I just want a fresh start. Maybe at JU or FGCU, we can start something new. We can honor the legacy of Jameis Winston as the Fighting Crabs!”
Other players echoed Glenn’s sentiment, with many expressing exhaustion from the relentless media criticism, fan backlash, and, you know, the losing. “If I never have to hear ‘Go Noles!’ again, it’ll be too soon,” said one anonymous linebacker. “Maybe at FGCU, with a new team and a new identity, we can make something happen. It’s toast in Tallahassee.”
However, injured starting QB DJ Uiagalelei was more optimistic. “Either way, if we stay or if we go, I’m going to get a 6th year so I can return and lead the team to glory just like the fans want. Right now, I’m focusing on my ‘Precision and Decision football camp.”
Fans in Shock: “This is Peak FSU”
FSU fans, accustomed to disappointment but never on this level, reacted to the news with a mixture of disbelief and resignation.
“I mean, this is about right for us,” said longtime FSU fan Demario Banner, who still wears his “Jameis for Heisman” T-shirt whenever he dines at Crafty Crab. “First, we lose to a bunch of unranked teams, then we lose to the Hurricanes, and now we’re losing…our whole football team? I might have to disappear again. No Amber Alert for Demario this time!”
Others, however, were less diplomatic. “This is ridiculous!” fumed Keith Chambers Sr. “We’re supposed to be one of the great programs, and now we’re transferring to JU? What’s next, we join the Ivy League and start playing flag football? This is embarrassing. This is peak FSU.”
Miami Hurricanes Fans React
Miami Hurricanes fans were torn on the news that FSU football would become either FGCU or JU football.
“I don’t know,” said Jerry Steinberg. “I felt bad for them last year when they missed the playoffs, but I was also happy. It’s kind of like that now.”
Keyser Soze had a different approach. “I’m laughing my ass off,” he said. “Good riddance to those bums.”
What Now?
While the exact details of FSU’s program exodus are still being finalized, one thing is clear: this is the most desperate move in the history of college football. Whether FGCU or JU will actually agree to take in a team that’s currently in freefall is anyone’s guess, but one thing is certain—FSU football will never be the same again.
“This could be a great opportunity for us,” said Coach Norvell, trying to maintain a shred of optimism. “New school, new field, new fans… maybe we’ll even win a game. Or not. Honestly, at this point, I’m not picky.”
In five minutes Norvell will be notified that his contract is instantly voided if the FSU football team flees Tallahassee for greener pastures.
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